Baby Elle Rose was due on the 2nd June 2000 (We knew we were expecting a girl) this was our third child after having two straight forward pregnancies which resulted in a boy and a girl.
This day came and went and in the early hours of the 4th June 2000 I started with a few pains, these pains were not like my previous labour pains I phoned the hospital and they said to come straight in. I was in agony I thought my waters had gone but I was bleeding heavily, we were taken straight to the delivery suite and put on a monitor... this is where my life changed forever...
There was no heartbeat so they got another midwife in and she said the same so the next step was for us to have a scan this is when we crumbled no movement on the scan and no heartbeat we were devastated. A second consultant confirmed what we already knew; our lives had turned upside down in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t believe my beautiful baby girl had died inside me when she was moving about lots just a few hours before. We both just cried and cried and was in total shock and I just kept saying why, why has this happened after two healthy pregnancies?
I had a really bad labour due to what was happening inside me - the placenta had come away and that is why Elle Rose had died I remember that last kick and then my contractions started but didn’t go away my stomach was just solid.
After a few hours & in a lot of pain Elle Rose was born sleeping at 5 o’clock in the morning on the 4 June 2000 she weighed 5lbs 12ozs. She was still very warm and pinky and just looked like she was sleeping. I was very poorly after Elle Rose was born I had had a Placental Abruption this is why my stomach didn’t contract. I was in intensive care for 3 days, the midwifes and doctors were brilliant. We had Elle Rose with us in a moses basket for all of this time so we could nurse her and dress her.
We had Elle Rose blessed while I was in intensive care and all the family was around which was nice. When I recovered a little we were moved to the family room where I spent 2 more days and Elle Rose stayed with us in there too. We were able to spend as much time with our daughter as we liked. Our 2 other children were also welcome to stay if they liked.
On the Thursday 8th June at the hospital we registered Elle Rose’s death which was very upsetting, I was discharged from hospital the same day and it was very hard leaving Elle Rose there.
We arrived home and the thought of seeing all the baby things we had bought was very upsetting but I had told my family not to move anything I would move it when I was ready. I had my two other children to look after and they were hurting too we tried to be strong for one another but it was very hard.
We didn’t have a post mortem for Elle Rose because we knew the cause of her death and I didn’t what to put her little body through that.
The next few days were a blur we arranged the funeral and Elle Rose was buried at the new Baby Garden in Warrington Cemetery. We chose a little white coffin and went to see Elle Rose the night before her funeral to say our goodbyes and put little teddies in her coffin it was very hard leaving her again. My husband carried the little white coffin to the church and her resting place I nearly collapsed at her graveside, I just didn’t want to let her go. The next few weeks were a blur - I wouldn’t go out on my own for ages after what had happened. I didn’t want to bump into people especially at the children’s school.
The first day I took my daughter to school I had a panic attack luckily it was near our doctor’s surgery. I went into the doctors and the receptionist walked my daughter to school while I was seen by the doctor.
I hated staying at home on my own I would just be thinking about what happened and going over and over it in my head - could I have done anything to prevent what happened? I knew I couldn’t have done anything what happened was a simple accident.
I sorted through all Elle Rose’s things and kept looking at her pictures, we took lots and lots of pictures and also have a memory box with special things of Elle Rose’s in.
We went for a check-up with the consultant after 6 weeks and he explained everything to us I had had a placental abruption and this couldn’t have been prevented.
He explained that when I had the big contraction this is when my placenta had come away Elle Rose had died straight away she wouldn’t have had any oxygen going to her through the placenta, she didn’t suffer in any way - they could tell me this because if they are in distress they pass a bowel movement inside you and they can see this when they are delivered. Even this explanation didn’t make what happened any eaiser to deal with - we still didnt have our baby with us. We asked about having more children and he said I would be more closely monitored and have more scans. I had this hole in my heart and all this emptiness I wanted another baby but was very scared. A new baby would never replace Elle Rose she always will have a special place in my heart... After a couple of months I did get pregnant again and I’m not going to say it was easy because it wasn’t . I was monitored more closely and had frequent scans to make sure the placenta was ok. The doctor suggested they could give me a section this time round but little Harry decided to come early he was born just under 35 weeks. Normal delivery, we had special care on hand because they said he was going to be small he was 5lb 6ozs. He didn’t need special care he was perfect and healthy in every way. This was a very emotional time for us when Harry was born the midwife that had delivered Elle Rose came in as Harry was delivered and we were all crying. Harry brought us so much joy after a period of sadness. He will never replace Elle Rose she will always have a special place in my heart and always be part of our family...As soon as Harry was old enough we told him all about his sister ...It has been 13 years since Elle Rose went to the angels garden and it still feels like yesterday I still have my bad days and I just get her memory box out and look through her tiny things and her photos, I think it helps to look back at... I still visit Elle Roses resting place weekly and make sure everywhere is clean and tidy with fresh flowers.
I always chat to Elle Rose when I’m there which I think helps.
The one thing that helped me most after losing Elle Rose was writing a diary of daily things that happened and how I was feeling. I started it the day she was born and to this day now I still look it.... I hope reading this will help with your loss you never ever forget your angel you just get stronger each day and learn to cope with it in your own way.
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