Where do I begin, at the start is a good place I think……..
21 October 2005 the day I found out I was pregnant again, I’d had an early miscarriage in 2004 and was so excited to be pregnant again, I was due Saturday 24 June 2006.
Our little bean was breech until 35 weeks and I was so pleased when she/he turned, I didn’t want a caesarean section, if only I knew then that was going to be the least of my problems….
My due date came and went, a perfect pregnancy they called it, textbook the word is and then I was booked for induction on 4th July, our wedding anniversary, that would be a lovely present for us both, was I being naïve, I don’t know.
As we neared my induction date we were dealt such a cruel blow, my father-in-law died, we were devastated, he wasn’t going to see his first, much wanted grandchild.
I didn’t need inducing, I went into labour on Saturday 1st July, my husband wanted me to go in as soon as I got my first pain, but I was ok, painkillers, bath, baby moving about, I was happy at home.
At 00:45 hours on Sunday 2 July I couldn’t take anymore, I went into Warrington Hospital, in pain but so excited to be finally seeing our much longed for baby. I wasn’t going to be like that though, Ann tried her very hardest to find your heartbeat, but it wasn’t there, you’d gone…..
Screaming, that’s what heard and me asking in my head, who’s making that noise, it was me, my poor husband didn’t know what to do, there were quite a few people in the room by then although I really don’t remember much about the following day……
I do know that I was quite poorly and had to be transferred to the labour ward’s high dependency room where after a long day in a blurry haze our beautiful daughter was born sleeping at 1844hrs, weighing 9lb 2oz. My husband took lots and lots of photographs of her and that is one of many things I have to thank him for, I have and always will have reminders of our beautiful daughter.
Going home was heartbreaking, although our funeral director was taking Olivia to the chapel of rest, I felt as though my heart was being torn to pieces, I shouldn’t be leaving my little girl like this, I was her mummy I should be taking care of her.
And then the questions started, me asking myself what I’d done wrong to deserve this, I wasn’t a bad person, I shouldn’t have to go through this. But why couldn’t I keep her safe, what had I done wrong, why didn’t I go into hospital sooner, why was I so against a caesarean section….this was all my fault and no matter how much anyone told me any different, I didn’t believe them, of course I was to blame.
It took a long time for me to realise it wasn’t my fault and to stop blaming myself, it took even longer for me to face the outside world, 4 months before I walked through my own front door. What terrified me was seeing a casual acquaintance who expected me to have a baby with me and I really knew I wouldn’t be able to explain, you know the people, the one’s you see every so often when you’re shopping, family and friends I could just about cope with at this point. If it hadn’t have been for the support of my husband I really don’t know where I’d be today, we talked and talked, cried together, laughed together, (even though that was hard at times, I felt guilty laughing) and were there for each other.
8 months after we had Olivia I started back work, one of the hardest things was walking through that door on my first day back, I knew I’d go to pieces as soon as someone was nice to me. But my friends and colleagues were all there for me, supporting me at every step. I knew that if I hadn’t gone back to work then, I would never go back again.
It was so difficult going back to the place where I became a mummy, but also had the worst experience of my life, but I am still there today and hopefully helping other families through their experiences, good and bad…….did I mention my job? I’m a midwife on the labour ward at Warrington Hospital and my experience just goes to show that this can happen to anyone, without prejudice.
Now we are 7 years down the line and although our pain will always be there it isn’t as raw as that day/week/month in 2006. Our lives will never be the same, but we’ve learned to adjust and carry on with our lives as they are now. I can talk about Olivia now, without crying every time, but I do still have dark days, but luckily the bright days outnumber them now. She will always be our firstborn and a big part of our lives.
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